Right Now: Three Skills, Three Actions and Three Pathways That Meet This Moment - Communication That Connects

Three Skills for Right Now…

Recently some clients asked if there were any concrete things they could be doing to address the moment. They’ve read lots of missives and found that some leaned analytical or philosophical but not practical while others were superficial “to do” lists. Interesting, they said, but not really helpful. What they most needed was something equity-based that would appeal to the broadest audience in their organization and had some measure of depth. We know the dilemma - in moments of rapid change and uncertainty, stress levels run high and there is a desire for leaders to “do something, now”. This haste can lead to quick-fix actions that make it seem like “something” is being done but often land as empty or even condescending gestures. Instead, we have been offering nine touchpoints (three skills, three actions, and three pathways) that can help create space and give organizations support in times of confusion, fear, exhaustion and overwhelm. This series outlines those nine touchpoints, starting with the three skills, and we hope they are as helpful to you as they have been to our clients.

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…Skill #3 - Communication That Connects

Introduction

Word on the street is that the U.S. is not reading as much anymore. Studies in P-12 education have noted that our reading skill and comprehension levels are at one of their lowest points in decades despite the increased access to schooling and content. I suppose we could say this deterioration started with early technologies like television or video games leading up to today’s array of technical distractions, but let’s not get into that debate. Or, we could point to what will likely be a full generation of educational impacts from the pandemic, but the data is still emerging from that. What does seem worth attending to is the incredibly basic axiom that whatever content we put into our brain, will be what we put out via words and actions. While reading is not at all the only source of learning, one implication of the above input-output math is that less reading (deeply and widely) will likely lead to less ability to skillfully participate in an increasingly complex world.

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Even more troubling to this equation is that the combination of social media (decreased attention spans and minimized communicative gestures), AI (no need to read or critically think when AI can give me the answer), and a fractured news / information landscape (wayback machine - anyone miss Walter Cronkite?) has led to a national moment where many of us no longer share common understandings of basic things like the Constitution or whether the earth is actually round (spoiler, it is). This perfect storm of inputs holds grave consequences for the well-being of our society for two reasons. First, when information input is trimmed to the smallest sound bites, thorough analysis and interrogation becomes difficult. Conversely, reading widely expands our vocabulary, teaches us ways to express ideas we did not previously have words for, positions us to listen to views we might have written off, and exposes us to sweeping patterns of history, society, civilization, power and cultural dynamics not found in a tweet. All of this helps us think more rigorously and engage in society more effectively.

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A second impact of reading less, or not at all, is the focus of this article – it atrophies our communication skills. Communication via text, tweets, video clips and memes strips away context and nuance leaving us prey to soundbites and whatever hyperbole will get algorithmic attention. Even “articles” spotlighted on platforms like Medium are reduced to 2-3 sentence paragraphs, augmented with lines that are highlighted so the reader supposedly only has to read the six “green” sentences to grok the article’s meaning. Add to that the prevalence of video calls in hybrid or fully remote work environments (and the corresponding separation we have from each other) and it is not too hard to see that we are steadily losing our ability to have thoughtful, critical, and connected dialogue. This is not just some Gen X-er rant, it is an attempt to draw attention to the fact that in this Rome-is-burning moment, we desperately need the ability to reflectively listen to each other, skillfully share complex thoughts, and communicate in ways that allow for wide-ranging perspectives such that the resultant ideas are greater than any of the individual parts. Communication that divides is everywhere. Even within ourselves. Its ubiquity means that “communication that connects” is vital. Vital for our society, for your organization and for each of our well-being.

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Communication That Connects - Content

There is a concept in Buddhism translated in the west as “Right Speech”. As you can imagine, quite a bit has been written about it over Buddhism’s 2,600 years, and so with a request for forbearance regarding my oversimplification, its five basic components can be posited like this - Is what I am about to say true, useful, timely, kind and coming from a place of goodwill? Communication patterns that connect embrace these five elements because they insure clarity, loving intent, and substantive meaning for what is said verbally, non-verbally and even with unexpressed thoughts. Below is an explication of each.

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True

I love the simplicity of this. If something is not true, do not say it. Seems easy, but doing this actually requires: 1) the self-awareness to pause and consider this point, 2) the ability to discern if what seems true is really just a well-worn but unsupported opinion, and 3) the capacity to question whether what I see as true can be considered true in a collective way. Truth is more subjective than most people think and so what seems like a simple question, “is it true”, has a level of nuance and complexity that requires attention and skill (see the previous two posts / articles in this series on resiliency and critical thinking).

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A caution here is to not confuse repetition with veracity. Again we see the incredible danger of the algorithmic moulins of social media – when we are repeatedly placed in or moved toward others who will parrot back whatever ideas we have, it becomes easy to confuse that with “consensus”, “majority”, “most people” or even “fact”. The old-school practice of looking at first-source information needs to become a new-school obsession where we are relentless in our quest for concrete information, replicated and verified by reputable sources, and made accessible without trimming the truth.

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Useful

I used to give people “feedback” without ever considering its general utility. Of course to me it seemed useful because it would be “useful” to me if they did what I wanted them to do, or it was “useful” because the act of doing this made me look more academic, serious or legitimate. But that is a profoundly selfish understanding of utility. A more skillful one is to consider if a communication will be useful to the other person, to the team, to the larger community as a whole, and yes even to me. Today, when I stop to ask the question “is this useful”, I am often brought up short because the usefulness of my comments frequently stops with me and my needs, and thus is not really wise speech. Other ways to inquire about the value of a communication are: Will this help (or hurt) the situation? Does it hold the capacity to repair (or will it cause rupture) with the other person? Is it going to advance or inhibit our collective thinking and ideas? Will it enable new possibilities in our shared work?

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It is important to note that useful should not be confused with a mechanistic, utilitarian view. At times there is great value in a communication act that does not yield measurable results along quantitative metrics of productivity. For example, sometimes a question someone asks or a thought they share serves to slow a team process down enough for everyone to be more self-reflective, contemplative or think more broadly. With this example we can see that the usefulness of speech can sometimes be found in its impact on a process rather than a product. Thich Nhat Hanh used to share stories of refugee boats leaving Vietnam and the occasional terrifying pirate attacks, and he would say that if one person remained calm, it often had the effect of steadying a dangerous situation enough to mitigate what could have been even worse harm. Thus, there is incredible usefulness is how one speaks as much as in what one says.

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Timely

There are two sides to this particular coin. The first is “sooner rather than later”. While some reflection about when and how to say something is good, waiting too long is problematic because the energy of the moment and the ability to grow from that interaction and dialogue has waned. Other times you might want to speak up in the moment but hesitation born out of fear, uncertainty or just not wanting to make waves can get in the way. Sadly, those blocks to timely speech rob everyone of an opportunity for valuable conversation and connection.

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The other side of this coin is “maybe pause or a beat”. A friend of mine shared with me three questions she asks when she feels highly activated and compelled to say something immediately - Does it need to be said, Does it need to be said by me, and Does it need to be said by me right now? While timely communication is best, there are moments when holding one’s tongue is the wiser choice and avoids adding fuel to a difficult situation. Letting cooler heads prevail by waiting a moment, allowing the tension abate a little, and then moving to speak is sometimes the more skillful tack. This also provides time for deeper reflection on what, why and how to speak. All that said, timely is just that, on time.

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Kind

This and the next point can seem repetitive except that this one speaks to how something lands for the listener, while the next speaks to the intent of the speaker. While it sounds simple, if kindness really were easy to evoke and enact we would all be in a different place right now. Rather, kindness can be quite difficult to express in speech because it has a higher level of subjectivity than the previous three points and thus it takes more skill and attention to know if something really is kind. One measure is to think about how a thing will be experienced by the other person (how it lands) rather than just assuming one’s own good intention is enough to green flag a comment. I have had many men, for example, say things like “you throw like a guy” or “you're as assertive as a man when you speak” intending this to be a complement without ever, it seems, considering how those comments landed for me (definitely not as a complement).

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I was listening to an interview with Karen Armstrong several years ago and she mentioned that the actual translation of the golden rule is not “do unto others as you would have them do unto you” because that places the needs, values, likes and dislikes of the actor/speaker at the epicenter of the interaction and subtly reinforces dynamics of egocentrism. Returning to the example I just gave, from the point of view of those men the highest compliment or comparison one could make would be to a man and thus they felt confident that they were saying something good despite the harmful impact on me. Rather, Armstrong says, the actual translation is “do unto others as they would have you do” which means that the needs of the receiver/listener are central to the interaction. It sounds like splitting hairs, but in practice its value becomes obvious - if I am centering how the other person would like to be treated I stand a much better chance of making sure my words land in kind ways because I am measuring them against the other person’s values, beliefs, like and dislikes. In this scenario, those men would simply say “you throw really well” or “you have a strong presence at the podium”. The compliment can still happen, it is just through a lens that insures it really does land as intended. If your team or organization needs a structure for this, you can try some team agreements or you can reach out and we are happy to help you establish some common ways that you can focus on kindness in communication. Additionally, the Greater Good Science Center has resources on the value of kindness in the workplace and offers some ways to bring that about in organizations.

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Coming From Goodwill

The final element of Right Speech is to be sure my communication is coming from a place of goodwill. Balancing out the above concern about how something lands on the listener, this element draws attention to the intent of the speaker. If the speaker’s intention is not a skillful or wholesome one, then it is wise to refrain and find a way to express my thoughts more differently. I placed this as the last characteristic on this list not because it is the least important but because it is likely the hardest of the five within our particular society. The U.S. social milieu is steeped in individualism, competition, and hierarchy and therefore in many organizational settings the intention can seem like one thing (just trying to give you helpful feedback) but in reality is masking a more self-centered motive (tearing someone down a bit out of a sense of competition). Only a strong self-awareness can cut through this morass and help a speaker get in touch with their actual purpose when speaking.

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If you feel a little unsure about this aspect of Right Speech you are not alone. We are not a particularly skilled society when it comes this kind of deep exploration of motivations and intentions because it usually involves looking at some patterns of conditioning, elements of our social location, or ways we have internalized what it means to be in a work environment, and we do not typically want to look at these aspects of ourselves. Nevertheless, greater attention to why one is saying a thing has enormous benefit when trying to speak with clarity and efficacy and we encourage everyone to dig more deeply. HCG has developed a whole line of one-off workshops called Seeding Change^TM that are meant to help people develop finer and finer “motor skills” around self-awareness and self-reflection and if that interests you, please reach out.

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While these are not exhaustive elements of communication that connects, they are quite powerful ones and are thus a great place to start. Can you imagine how this current moment would be playing out if the powers that be were using just these five elements? We would not all agree, but the wisdom, maturity and emotional intelligence of our discourse both public and private would be apropos of a true democracy.

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Communication That Connects - Process

There are many books, articles, TED talks, You Tube videos and Instagram posts about how to have difficult conversations or engage in speech that is productive and I encourage you to explore that content for styles and tips that will work for you (truly, a simple Google search yields a bevy of resources). But if you are looking for a basic place to start that you can do today, this is a useful sequence as it helps build in some restraint and leads to opportunities to use the principles just mentioned.

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Self-check

The first step is to just maintain an awareness of how you are doing in any given moment on any given day. It is not easy being a human “being” and so the idea that we are impervious to bad days is unrealistic. Even more absurd is the notion that we check these feelings at the door of our workplaces. This is not only an unhealthy assumption, it is not true. Okay, a person may not be acting out in obvious ways or maybe they are not sharing what is going on because it is neatly bottled up, but the energy it takes to keep the lid on has concrete manifestations in the workplace. It is not hard to see the person in the meeting whose behavior is tense, non-responsive, curt, and judgmental because they are trying to repress the strain of a challenging day or season of life. The impact is palpable, even on Zoom, and so it is better to simply be aware of how you are doing and let folks know you’ve got a lot on your plate that day, are having a tough time, are feeling stressed or are a bit overwhelmed. You do not need to tell people your life story, but good communication means you know where your edges are and are able to let others know.

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Some questions you can ask: How am I today? What is happening for me somatically, emotionally, energetically, relationally and spiritually? Am I able to have this conversation or be in this meeting? If not, what do I need to do so that I can? How can I ask for that? Of course boundaries are okay, but if you are in a shared space with a shared commitment to something (work, volunteer project, community garden, etc.) then it is incumbent upon you to find a way to be able to engage in a conversation at some point.

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Listen

It seems odd to have to be reminded to listen, but this skill is quite difficult in everyday lives that move at the pace ours do in the west. I have asked people about their listening skills during coaching sessions and while they assure me that they have great listening skills, as the session progresses it is clear that they listen to respond, not to comprehend. While there are many tools and skills, one that we use at HCG is reflective listening where you are listening to understand, not respond. Most simply with reflective listening you are solely focused on making sure you really get the spoken intent of the other person, asking questions for clarification if you do not, and even reflecting their words back just to be sure you have fully captured their point. A source for this is the book by Mudita Nisker and Dan Clurman, Let’s Talk. It has solid content about reflective listening, but they package it in a larger, very helpful framework of good overall communication. Another good source for listening deeply and reflectively is non-violent communication and the work of Marshall Rosenberg.

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Questions you can ask: Say more about ___ part of what you just shared. Tell me more about ___ aspect of what you are saying. I thought I heard you say ___ but I might have misunderstood, can you repeat that point? Is this what you mean… (repeat back)? Can you say that again in a different way so I can be sure I got it?

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Question Interpretation

Even when you have fully grasped the words of another, your ways of making meaning in the world inform how you will begin to formulate a response. And it is this subterranean level of personal disposition that this step is highlighting. At HCG we talk about one’s social location, for example, as having enormous influence on interpreting what someone has said and how that then shapes one’s response. For me, I know that how I was socialized as a white person greatly influences how I tend to respond to issues and certain moments. Accounting for this is not at all about guilt, shame, blame or me being bad, it is simply my desire to have as sophisticated of a filter as possible so that my engagement is not influenced by forces (aka being socialized into white dominant norms and habits) that can cloud or distort what I am hoping to say.  

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Things you can look at: Your social location, your family dynamics around communication, power positions within your organization, your learning style, your processing style, your assumptions about the topic and so on.

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Check Intention

As I mentioned above regarding kindness and good will, take some time to really dig into your intention before you respond. You can get to this by using a teacher education tool called backward design. Basically, it suggests that you skip to the desired outcome by asking what the best possible outcome of the conversation would be. If it is “I win!” then it might be wise to notice how that is playing out in your response and course correct. Conversely, if the best outcome is “a shared agreement about how to best move forward on a project where both people are feeling good about the work”, then that wholesome intent will likely serve as a good motivation for dialogue. Visualizing your perception of the best outcome has the effect of stripping away any pretense and pointing to what your real motivation is and how it will shape your response.

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In the above sections about kindness and goodwill “intention” was discussed somewhat abstractly, here you can get more specific by considering things like: Am I trying to shoot this person down? Am I trying to one-up them? Am I their boss and using my power to get them to be fall in line? What is the outcome I want? What am I asking for / what am I willing to offer? Am I working toward collaboration or not? Upon reflection at a later time, how will I feel about my intention in this conversation?

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Speak

And finally, respond. Hopefully you are communicating with kindness, care, power awareness, clarity and focus. In teacher education we always say that if you are trying to teach a tricky concept you need to be able to: a) explain the concept, b) give an analogy for what it is and how it works, and c) tell a story about it. At HCG we find that these three approaches hold well for difficult conversations and support communication that connects. I personally have also found it important to be open to being wrong, but in truth that has taken some practice and requires letting go of ego and power in the service of a shared workplace or relationship goal.

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Of course, speech is not just about words, it is about body language, the energy of an engagement and the very subtle ways that humans read each other. For this reason remember that you are being visually read as much as you are being listened to and attend to these other forms of communication as much as your words. Take a moment to ground in (breathe) and relax so your nervous system can regulate a bit and that will allow your physical communication to better align with your verbal.

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In sum, we need communication that draws us together more than ever and considering the above content and process of communication that connects is a strong start to building the kind of personal or team environment that we are all needing.